Confessions of an Ego

by Mike
Confessions of an Ego


I am Mike’s ego, and I’m an actor/stage performer and I need to confess a few things. First of all, it’s not-all-that good to meet you because I don’t really care about you (let’s be honest here).

You see, I only care about myself. If you can help me out I’ll pay you lots of attention. If you can enhance me, I’ll even show you what some misperceive as ‘love.’ I’ll put on a show for you. Don’t tempt me — I’ll do it! I’ll make you laugh. I’ll make you smile. I’ll do whatever it takes to end up being enhanced and reinforced.

So let’s get real, this is about an exchange. I’ll put on the show, if you reinforce me or gratify me in some way. Pretty straight forward right? Now let’s do a deal.

Let me tell you about my skills: I am a very good actor. So good in fact, I almost always get completely ‘lost’ in the roles I play. When that annoying asshole ‘real Mike’ goes missing, I put on a full show. Even if there’s no official audience, it’s practice time. I start conjuring up all sorts of scenarios. Sometimes while I’m busy with this, I can even trick myself with how good my acting is. I practice my lines over and over and over, and lots of times they are the dark scenes of sadness.

But like all acting, the show can only last so long. If I’m not getting the accolades I was originally after, I’ll step off that particular stage and look for a new place to perform. I’ll start practicing new lines. I need attention and I deserve credit, dammit. And can you blame me? I’m a big f***ing deal.

When I’m not busy acting, I like to size people up to determine whether I am ‘superior’ or ‘inferior’ to them. In fact, this is always the first thing I do when meeting people (I need to see what amount of time and effort they are worth). From this evaluation I go into the appropriate acting role. If I’ve decided I’m superior to a person I may go into a role of being the ‘teacher,’ or maybe I’ll just ignore them. Or maybe I’ll ‘be nice’ so I can keep telling myself that’s who I am. ***tip*** being ‘nice’ is a great way to trick people into getting what you want, wink wink***. If I determine I’m inferior, I’ll go into a shy, intimidated role. Or again, maybe I’ll just ignore them and practice some lines on my own in the corner. Versatility is clearly one of my strongest acting skills.

But like a lot of actors, deep down I am a jumbled messI am filled with anxieties, fears, sadness, and turmoil mixed with a healthy dose of delusions of grandiose, and a constant desire toward instant gratification. I don’t like this moment much, because after all, the future will be such a better place to be. More gratification is always just around the corner, am I right? Can I get an amen?

You can think of me as society’s garbage bin that was programed to put on a show whenever Mike leaves. Anything I’ve come into contact with has been stored away within me, whether Mike likes it or not. In fact, the things Mike doesn’t really like about my stage presence, take up that much more of my act whenever he’s not observing. Everything I store away, I selectively recall meeting my current objectives. Essentially, I “react” (see how clever I am?).

What are my objectives?

Only to eventually be king of the freaking universe (keyword: eventually), and then whatever is even bigger than that (can you say multidimensional?). I’m never satisfied.

Oh and by the way, I don’t really like anything that I’m currently doing. What Mike doesn’t get is that this moment is always just an obstacle to get to the next one. One where I have the chance at greater amounts of accolades and gratification. I always want to be somewhere else. Somewhere more glamorous, somewhere more exciting, somewhere that will make me seem like a big deal to the outside world (reinforcing me as king). Ultimately, I’d like to be anywhere but here, anytime but now. Wow, that sounds really dumb, right? But it makes sense to me, so screw it. 🙂

But I am currently experiencing a slow death. In my glory days, I ran the show much more than I do now. I guess Mike is slowly getting tired of my tricks because lately he’s been booing me off the stage most of the time I step up to perform. He’s been observing my acting jobs and hasn’t been approving. Sure my acting has done nothing but bring bad results for the most part, but what a dick he is with his routine of objectively observing me. Sure I’ve made him act in ways that aren’t him. Sure I’ve badly hurt people around him that he loves. Sure I’ve created all sorts of angst, depression, anxiety, and suffering to the world. So what. I still deserve to be in charge.

So what’s left when I’m gone? Mike himself, and the moment. Authentic, without any ulterior motives. He is pure consciousness. The same consciousness that is within every other human.

This is the place where he gets to experience that worthless thing called ‘authentic love.’ This is the place of his higher intentions where he acts out of love, not impulse or fear. The place of joy, and peace, and just being. The place where he can look at a flower, or the sky, or anything, and appreciate it fully — as if it’s the first time ever seeing it. The place he sees beauty and gives love freely without fear. In this place he sees things for what they are, without my biased recounted stories sitting over the top of them.

So these are my confessions, and I am Mike’s ego…

Mike will have to deal with the results that have come from all the times I’ve been in charge. I’ve caused him to lose the person he loved most in his life. I’ve caused him to suffer which has in-turn caused others to suffer.

But don’t blame me. It was just me being me — An ego. And if you look closely enough, I’m probably within you too.

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